Depression, Anxiety and Hope for the Future.

I walk out my front door and look all around me. I have Grace gripped in my arms because I'm scared some random person will run up out of nowhere, snatch her from my arms, and that will be the last time I see her.

I text Drew several times a day, " who are you with, what are you doing?" Let's be real here, he is a law student. He's not with anyone and he's doing homework or sitting in class. In my anxious mind he is off partying somewhere and ditching school. 

These are just a few of many thoughts that I constantly have going through my mind, and quite honestly, I'm getting sick of it.

I have debated writing about this for quite a long time. My mom always told me when I was a little girl that I would scream and scream and never stop crying. I truly believe that I was born with this trial of having anxiety and depression. I have been through counseling several times, I've tried medication, and I just finished another 6 month streak of counseling sessions last Wednesday.

I feel better.

For years, especially in high school, you would never hear these words that I'm writing slip through my mouth, "I have depression: I HAVE ANXIETY." Never. Honestly, I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I just thought that I was insane. Since depression, anxiety, and different emotional trials are coming into the "norm", I have felt compelled to write about my struggle.

I first time I truly struggled with depression was after having Grace. I know my parents asked me a few times in high school if I was depressed, but really I was just a heartbroken high school student, going through boyfriends like wildfire and dealing with the repercussions of that.  I have never felt depression like postpartum depression. I would cry every night and most days as well. Drew would always ask me what was wrong and if there was anything he could do, but he couldn't. About 3 months after having Grace my mom asked me point blank if I was having postpartum depression. I told her no and went on with my life. Surprisingly, my depression cured itself when I moved out to DC and got to experience some of the most memorable months of my life. I know most people who experience this don't have that easy escape like I did.

My anxiety is an entirely different story. I have always had this struggle and it has always been pretty consistent, except for when I am pregnant. Those examples mentioned in the beginning of this post are some of the things that I feel several times in a day. I know many of you may be thinking, "HOW do you live like that?" It has really become a way of life for me, a really terrible way of life. I don't take this trial lightly.

 I am very aware of my anxiety, thanks to a wonderful therapist. I have never found success in counseling until this most recent time. 6 months ago I had a very strong confirmation that I needed to go back to counseling. As I began looking for a counselor everything fell into place. I'd never counseled with a male therapist before, and honestly he is just what I needed.

I don't ever express my emotions. I told God that if he wanted me to go to counseling so bad he would have to make me talk. I'd never really talked the several times I'd gone before. I would go for a couple of sessions and never go back because I wasn't ready to share all of my "dark secrets".

I walked into the therapists office and he asked, "So tell me a little bit about yourself." All of the sudden all of these things that I had been holding in for so many years flooded out of my mouth. Before I knew it I had talked for the entire hour! My therapist looked completely shocked.

After letting go of all of my "baggage" in therapy I have so much hope. I have let Grace do things that I would have never let her do before. Those horrific thoughts plaguing my mind are to a minimum. Recently I have had friends email me on Facebook asking how my life is so "perfect" and how I "hold it all together". I might look like I have it together, but now you know the truth. I have problems; and that is okay. I am becoming more comfortable with this trial and when I need extra assistance I can always lean on my husband. I feel fine sharing this because it is who I am. I will struggle with this for my entire life and that is okay!