Questions answered with TMI.

15 Weeks

17 Weeks

1. Were you trying to get pregnant? This has been the most asked question so far and if you don't want the TMI then don't read this. In short, we were NOT trying to get pregnant. I started having complications with my Mirena (IUD) last summer. After a lot of thought I decided that it was best to get it removed and to get onto another form of birth control. I had it removed November 6th, and I bet you'll never guess the day I got pregnant. The doc tracked my "date of conception" to November 7th. Now tell me that's not some sort of Divine Intervention!

2. How far along were you when you found out? I was 4 weeks along. Woke up one morning feeling sick and knew right then that I was pregnant. So I took a test, then another, and Grace colored a picture that said "BIG SISTER" to give to Drew when he walked in the door that night. He couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it.

3. How have you been feeling? Great! Totally different pregnancy which is why I swore this was a boy. I was nauseous of course for the first trimester, but only threw up once. With Grace I was puking so much I hate to get re hydrated at the doctors a few times a week. I am tired, but not miserable by any means.

4. Why did you wait to tell everyone? Well, we told our immediate families at 12 weeks. In normal circumstances, we would have told them earlier but I have had a series of complications. Then we decided that it would be a good idea to wait to tell others outside of family once we knew the gender.

5. What kind of complications? Many of you know that my last c-section was botched. Unfortunately I had a leftover hemorrhage in my uterus that has caused a lot of pain and bleeding. Each time I went to the doctor, they would find a new bleed. I was on bed rest for 3 weeks until they could get the bleeding under control. At that point in my pregnancy we hadn't told family yet, so I was on bed rest and Grace was running wild everyday. I'm so grateful that there were no more signs of clots or bleeding yesterday in my ultrasound, but I will be on close watch throughout my pregnancy.

6. Why aren't you showing yet? I have no idea. I didn't show with Grace either. I have finally put on 3 lbs, though. I feel healthy and great.

7. Is your due date really the day that Drew starts his second year of law school? Yes. Pray for me.

8. Is Drew leaving during this pregnancy? Yes, he leaves from 34-37 weeks. Scary. I had Grace at 36 weeks and 6 days. Pray for me some more.

9. How is your depression/anxiety? I have never felt happier than during both of my pregnancies. I rarely feel anxious and never depressed. I crashed after I had Grace and now know what to expect. I will keep in close contact with my doctor and counselor as I go through the post partum stages. Refer here to my post on depression/anxiety.

Well, you made it through this super long and boring post, but hopefully it answers all of the questions I have been getting and I can just refer others to my blog for answers! Love to you all.

Guess What?!

The color I'm wearing rings true,

Another GIRL will be joining our crew! 

August 2013

Depression, Anxiety and Hope for the Future.

I walk out my front door and look all around me. I have Grace gripped in my arms because I'm scared some random person will run up out of nowhere, snatch her from my arms, and that will be the last time I see her.

I text Drew several times a day, " who are you with, what are you doing?" Let's be real here, he is a law student. He's not with anyone and he's doing homework or sitting in class. In my anxious mind he is off partying somewhere and ditching school. 

These are just a few of many thoughts that I constantly have going through my mind, and quite honestly, I'm getting sick of it.

I have debated writing about this for quite a long time. My mom always told me when I was a little girl that I would scream and scream and never stop crying. I truly believe that I was born with this trial of having anxiety and depression. I have been through counseling several times, I've tried medication, and I just finished another 6 month streak of counseling sessions last Wednesday.

I feel better.

For years, especially in high school, you would never hear these words that I'm writing slip through my mouth, "I have depression: I HAVE ANXIETY." Never. Honestly, I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I just thought that I was insane. Since depression, anxiety, and different emotional trials are coming into the "norm", I have felt compelled to write about my struggle.

I first time I truly struggled with depression was after having Grace. I know my parents asked me a few times in high school if I was depressed, but really I was just a heartbroken high school student, going through boyfriends like wildfire and dealing with the repercussions of that.  I have never felt depression like postpartum depression. I would cry every night and most days as well. Drew would always ask me what was wrong and if there was anything he could do, but he couldn't. About 3 months after having Grace my mom asked me point blank if I was having postpartum depression. I told her no and went on with my life. Surprisingly, my depression cured itself when I moved out to DC and got to experience some of the most memorable months of my life. I know most people who experience this don't have that easy escape like I did.

My anxiety is an entirely different story. I have always had this struggle and it has always been pretty consistent, except for when I am pregnant. Those examples mentioned in the beginning of this post are some of the things that I feel several times in a day. I know many of you may be thinking, "HOW do you live like that?" It has really become a way of life for me, a really terrible way of life. I don't take this trial lightly.

 I am very aware of my anxiety, thanks to a wonderful therapist. I have never found success in counseling until this most recent time. 6 months ago I had a very strong confirmation that I needed to go back to counseling. As I began looking for a counselor everything fell into place. I'd never counseled with a male therapist before, and honestly he is just what I needed.

I don't ever express my emotions. I told God that if he wanted me to go to counseling so bad he would have to make me talk. I'd never really talked the several times I'd gone before. I would go for a couple of sessions and never go back because I wasn't ready to share all of my "dark secrets".

I walked into the therapists office and he asked, "So tell me a little bit about yourself." All of the sudden all of these things that I had been holding in for so many years flooded out of my mouth. Before I knew it I had talked for the entire hour! My therapist looked completely shocked.

After letting go of all of my "baggage" in therapy I have so much hope. I have let Grace do things that I would have never let her do before. Those horrific thoughts plaguing my mind are to a minimum. Recently I have had friends email me on Facebook asking how my life is so "perfect" and how I "hold it all together". I might look like I have it together, but now you know the truth. I have problems; and that is okay. I am becoming more comfortable with this trial and when I need extra assistance I can always lean on my husband. I feel fine sharing this because it is who I am. I will struggle with this for my entire life and that is okay!